Wrong or Right?

To work or not to work? That's a question that most mothers have asked themselves. Leslie Bennetts, in The Feminine Mistake (which alludes to and is inspired by Betty Friedan's seminal work The Feminine Mystique), says women should hold on to their jobs no matter what.

Mistaken mandate

Review by DAPHNE LEE

The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?
Author: Leslie Bennetts
Publisher: Voice, 350 pages

WHAT’S the worst mistake a woman can make? To believe in the equality of the sexes? To think that she can have it all? To feel that her children will appreciate all those years she devoted to their care?

Leslie Bennetts believes the biggest mistake women make is to give up their jobs once they're married with children. In her book, The Feminine Mistake, she urges women to keep on working and to ask themselves what’s wrong if they don’t want to.

She feels that women who stop working in order to stay home fulltime risk a financial crisis if they end up widows or divorced. It would be hard, after years out of the workforce, to re-enter it. Would one’s skills still be marketable after years of motherhood? Would one simply feel like a fish out of water? Would one even be paid enough to carry on living in the manner one had become accustomed to?

Bennetts worries about the increasing number of women (in the United States) who are going to college and then getting married and not bothering to find work. 

She is doubtful that any woman could possibly prefer to care for her children instead of pursuing a career. Some stay-home mothers tell her that they quit their jobs because they were bored, and she says this is simply “the socially-acceptable cover story”. 

The problem I have with Bennetts is that she seems to dismiss a woman’s right not to work. It’s all very well to tell a woman that it’s her god-given right to have it all, but heaven forbid if a woman decides that “all” doesn’t include working nine-to-five and wondering all day if the (underpaid) babysitter is shaking the baby to death. Then again, Bennetts doesn’t discuss unskilled workers whose salary would not allow them quality childcare.

Apart from financial reasons, Bennetts also thinks that children benefit from having mothers who work. A woman who loves her job shows her children how to be resourceful and independent. 

But what about a woman who hates her job? Should she hang in there anyway, just in case her husband runs off with his secretary? 

And what if a woman loves the very real job of caring for her children and her home? Is there no other way to teach a child to be resourceful and independent other than by going out to work?

The bottom line is, I feel, choice. Women should be free to choose whether or not to work. They should be free to decide what “giving up too much” means and Bennetts should not, metaphorically or otherwise, roll her eyes if the answer happens to be “time with my kids”.

The financial problems women face when widowed or dumped by a spouse can be dealt with in other ways than just staying in the workforce. 

Again, women have to know their rights: to a prenuptial that will protect them and the kids; to legal advice that will leave the family provided for; to insurance claims that will ensure that life goes on after death.

There are many women who are still pursuing careers after marriage and after children. There are many reasons why these women choose to continue working. To guard against destitution as the result of a dead or errant husband is the most dismal and depressing one.

Leslie Bennetts will speak at The Women's Summit 2007 in Kuala Lumpur on Aug 2. Present this article at Kinokuniya Bookstores at Suria KLCC to get a 25% discount on The Feminine Mistake.

Comments

[Hsian]

Here is a link to an excerpt of the article
http://harvardbusinessonline.hbsp.harvard.edu/hbsp/hbr/articles/article.jsp;jsessionid=DZWA1MK4VOO0QAKRGWCB5VQBKE0YOISW?articleID=R0204E&ml_action=get-article&pageNumber=1&ml_subscriber=true&referral=2533

[Hsian]

There is an excellent essay written on a related topic in the Harvard Business Review from perspective of the executive woman who wants to have a family and good family life. It's called: "Executive Women and the Myth of Having It All" by Sylvia Ann Hewlett. I think she has written a book recently too. I have a copy somewhere in the house but can't seem to find it!

[animah]

Actually I know of 2 Malaysian stay at home dads. Coincidentally both their wives work with Shell. And both couples do not have maids.
The first was just stayed at home for about 6 months. He was between jobs when his first child was born. He decided to carry on unemployed and looked after the baby with such gusto. After his wife had gone out to work, he did the house work, then took the baby (in one of those baby carrying knapsacks) along with him for a late breakfast and the mamak stall next to his apartment.
The second dad was working, until his wife got an offer for an outstation posting which was also a promotion. He gave up his job and followed her, therefore looking after their toddler daughter for 2 years.
Now, back in KL, he freelances from home, but does all the driving everybody around stuff - and he cooks. I've had some of his food. It's excellent!
So these men, though a rare breed, do exist.

[Lia]

When I read this, my jaw dropped. Like you, I belive we should have the "choice" to do whichever we think it's best. Just cos you stay at home to look after your kids, doesnt mean you can't also earn an income, building up as your kids go to school. Just cos you work, doesnt mean your kids will grow up resourceful either. It all depends on HOW you raise your kids.

Blooming heck! I guess this will always happen lah. those who believe that being a SAHM is a betrayal of the feminist ideal, and on the opposite scale, those who chose to work full time are "ruining" the future of their kids.

Why can't there be a happy medium? Make it easier for working parents (EITHER PARENT) to be around for their kids, flexitime, work at home, whatever? I guess in Malaysia, that's not really happening just yet.

does Bennetts say anything about the daddy in this case? What if something happened to the wife? He suddenly b/c a single dad? What if HE chose to stay home with the kids then, rather than pass off to a stranger? What then huh? huh?/